a wonderful difference

I currently have the great pleasure of dating the girl of my dreams.
We've known each other for years, and for reasons we don't remember, we started talking on her birthday, October 19th. We started a dating relationship on November 24th and have been ecstatic about our future since.
She's smart, funny, fun to be around, smart, clever, beautiful... I could go on forever.
It's been a long time coming, but if all those years of pain and heartache were there to set me up for this, it's been well worth it.

Here's to tomorrow.

a change

been thinking about rebuilding myself recently.
today I decided to start.

To lose weight: going to do a little exercising every morning before showering. Ride my bike a few miles at least once a week, kayak a few miles another day once a week. I work every weekend all weekend doing physical labor, so I won't be exercising then.
To grow spiritually: going to read my Bible devotional plan on YouVersion's Bible app every day.
To get out of being down: write about it, then put energy into something else that will either make me feel better or at least distract me long enough to forget about being down.
To be a better person: give money to the homeless regardless of what I think they'll do with the money.
In general, and I hate this phrase cause it's getting so cliché: be more positive.

Yes.

a month in hiding

been a while! i haven't had too many different thoughts recently.
just the same old become infatuated with a girl situation.
this time it's someone i haven't met personally (which is how me and my ex got together), so definitely not sure about it. she enjoys talking to me and we've been chatting every day for a month now. super cool, into a lot of the same things, actually likes baseball! but i dunno. guess we'll find out?

a feeling

I have been getting lonely way too often these days. And now that I'm single, I feel like I can't say that in public for fear of that thought being a turnoff.
I am complicated.

a lesson on forgetting

a song i meant to post a while back

"A Lesson On Forgetting"

I've been moving through phases
of hating you, and wishing you would die
to me, to be dead to me,
to missing how you loved sometimes and those lies
made to my face
just to get your way
you knew not consequences there
my fear is i was alright with that

but love and hate won't coexist
and we can never love each other like we did
and hate can't be within my soul
so i need to be okay with this
and learn how to forget you

glad one of us could move on

glad one of us can sleep

but the other thinks of you every day

most of the day, there's no release

been wishing for another

to relieve this held up pain

cause I can't do it alone

I can't do it alone

cause love and hate can't coexist

and I'll never love you like I did

but hate can't be in my soul

so I need to be okay with this

and learn how to

forget

you

a few lines

in physical pain, i just want to sleep it off
since she left me, i've been avoiding God
still dealing every day with what's left of my heart
i remain in the faith,
but i can't find love.

trying everything one hand at a time
found a person i don't like on the inside
of myself, i can't shake
becoming something that i hate.

you have to run much harder if you want a chance
you have to fight much better in your dance with death

a poem

"you were, you are"

you were my dream
you were almost everything
now you're just some girl i used to be into.
you were the source
for many lovely words
now you're just a dying thing; make way for the living.
you were my hopes
you were just so
oh now i can't try to describe, i don't want to.
you were all there was
you were all there was to be
now you're the past i can't evade or outrun.
give back what i gave you
give back all my love
someone will need it one day.
give back what you stole
give back all you know
someone will one day need to understand.
you were a learning experience
you were also a waste of my time
God help the one who ends up with you, they will need it.
you were what you were
now you are what you are
i was what i was
now i'm turning into someone i don't know.

a memory that keeps me awake at night

get out of my life.
please.

a few lines from my heart

"Her as a Dream"

manifest yourself
again as a dream
so i can see your love
even if it isn't meant to be
show me your eyes
eyelids open wide
blink twice
if you're real.
if you're real.

become immaterial
make yourself as dust
if you're meant to fly in
but not remain with us
see this is the door
but there is oft no need
to walk through it much
if you plan to stay with me.
stay with me.

feel
yourself sifting
through
my fingertips & nerve endings,
or actually reach
out to touch my hands;
enclose one of yours in mine
if you wish.

come back as a dream
or reply it was a lie
i was picked for you
you were meant as mine
show up from out yonder
already bright and blue
I'm prepared for surprise
I'm ready for you.
I'm ready for you.

a successfully staged show

drove to Greensboro, NC today with 2 friends to see:
Modern Baseball (main reason i went, awesome set)
Real Friends (great tunes)
Citizen (pretty good)
Fireworks (pretty good)
The Wonder Years (put on a great show)
overall had a fun time but the fact that my last 3 shows were with the ex nagged me all evening.
oh & i got a shirt & second album of Modern Baseball, & got the CD signed by 3 of the guys from that band.
got Cookout on the way home to seal the evening. so a successful night in general.

a habit when down

sometimes when i get down i either do a lot more thinking than usual or i just waste a lot of time distracting myself so i don't have to go anywhere.
i've missed a lot of class doing this.
& i've decided to miss today's.

a shot & a miss

well she's dating someone. but we're still friends & it isn't awkward right now! so cool deal.
next please?

almost a chance

narrowly missed out on a chance to ask her out today.
her friend wasn't here for the first two classes so i got a lot of chatting in, & we almost left to get coffee together (friendly) but then she remembered some stuff she had to do so changed her mind.
next time, next time...

a thought on the "high school mindset"

there are those who have had the best times of their life in high school, & they live their lives thinking it'll never be that good again. then there's us, who haven't happened on the best time of our life yet, & we get to live every day happily anticipating the future. do not envy those who live their lives in the past.

a song is always there to sing

"Where Necessary"

fighting the urge to self-sabotage
fighting the want to bite instead of dodge
the bullet
as its aimed right at my skull.
pushing patience in the face of its evil twin,
knowing I may never happen on this chance again,
I hold on to the rails on the way down or up I'm not quite sure.

but there's always the possibility
of things changing into the way they could be
so I'll only make a difference
where necessary

this is what I've wanted for years
wished for & waited on, sweat blood & tears
welled up for hours, days, months, a decade.
few have reached this page and kept on turning
fewer had the wisdom to continue learning
by this age i thought i should know the way.

but there's always the possibility
of my mind changing nightly
so I'll only make a difference
where necessary

another song

"Races"

lost my place in the lead
but i saw you in a dream
you said i wasn't scared anymore
& i believed.
woke up to know i hadn't placed,
but this time seeing your sweet face
won't send me into sadness
i'm far away with being past this.

this time it's different
she made me realize myself when she left
this time it's simple
you choosing no is no killing blow for me.

lost my winning streak
saw her in what i consider a nightmare
she was simply walking
over everything i held dear to me.
woke up to know it wasn't true,
so this time I'm glad for the present tense,
and you and I are friends,
you make me smile when you grace me with your presence.

this time it's different
she made me realize myself when she left
this time it's simple
you choosing no is no killing blow for me.

and time just rolls on.
and time just rolls on.
i keep hoping things between us will change.
and i keep betting on keeping her memory away.

another one down

turns out she's talking to someone & they "might date". ah well, luckily this one didn't ruin the friendship. she's really cool so that would be disappointing!

and she loves Relient K.

a goal obtained

found a girl I'm pretty into. not sure if i have a chance, but I'll give it one.
gonna wait til next paycheck to ask her out, in case she wants to do anything that requires funds.
man i hope this works out.

a relationship ended

okay well, it lasted a month.
our second shot at being a couple started February 9 & ended March 11.
she's gone for what seems for good now.
haven't & don't really know what to think about my life right now.
23 years old, (currently)seasonal job holder, full time college student. no goal to fight for. no one to know me intimately. no one to talk to seriously.

"But then I woke from the dream to realise I was alone
A tragic event, I must admit, but let's not be overblown
I'm not trying to write a love song just a sad, pathetic moan
Maybe I just need a change, maybe I just need a new cologne."

a new opportunity

finally! got a job! been unemployed for 1 year & 8 months, & finally got a job.
good news!

"Living is a grand thing."
     - a fortune cookie

a great worry

maybe i'm supposed to be wrong this time.
it's high time someone else did the convincing around here.

a decision made

got back together with girlfriend. looks like things are going to be much better than they were before. couldn't be happier!

a hard decision

Feb 2

my girlfriend & i broke up after 4 years of dating. from hard circumstances. but we're talking about getting back together. what to do when your heart says yes but your mind says be careful...

an official start to 2014

so tonight ends the holiday break between semesters. tonight was fun; got to see my girl & some friends & goof off in general.
i think that's the first time i ever typed "goof off". you're welcome.
anyways i haven't had a sleep schedule of any sorts for weeks now, & my first class is at 9am. & my last class ends at 9pm.
insomnia is the worst.
pray for me / wish me luck?