a wonderful difference

I currently have the great pleasure of dating the girl of my dreams.
We've known each other for years, and for reasons we don't remember, we started talking on her birthday, October 19th. We started a dating relationship on November 24th and have been ecstatic about our future since.
She's smart, funny, fun to be around, smart, clever, beautiful... I could go on forever.
It's been a long time coming, but if all those years of pain and heartache were there to set me up for this, it's been well worth it.

Here's to tomorrow.

a change

been thinking about rebuilding myself recently.
today I decided to start.

To lose weight: going to do a little exercising every morning before showering. Ride my bike a few miles at least once a week, kayak a few miles another day once a week. I work every weekend all weekend doing physical labor, so I won't be exercising then.
To grow spiritually: going to read my Bible devotional plan on YouVersion's Bible app every day.
To get out of being down: write about it, then put energy into something else that will either make me feel better or at least distract me long enough to forget about being down.
To be a better person: give money to the homeless regardless of what I think they'll do with the money.
In general, and I hate this phrase cause it's getting so cliché: be more positive.

Yes.

a month in hiding

been a while! i haven't had too many different thoughts recently.
just the same old become infatuated with a girl situation.
this time it's someone i haven't met personally (which is how me and my ex got together), so definitely not sure about it. she enjoys talking to me and we've been chatting every day for a month now. super cool, into a lot of the same things, actually likes baseball! but i dunno. guess we'll find out?

a feeling

I have been getting lonely way too often these days. And now that I'm single, I feel like I can't say that in public for fear of that thought being a turnoff.
I am complicated.

a lesson on forgetting

a song i meant to post a while back

"A Lesson On Forgetting"

I've been moving through phases
of hating you, and wishing you would die
to me, to be dead to me,
to missing how you loved sometimes and those lies
made to my face
just to get your way
you knew not consequences there
my fear is i was alright with that

but love and hate won't coexist
and we can never love each other like we did
and hate can't be within my soul
so i need to be okay with this
and learn how to forget you

glad one of us could move on

glad one of us can sleep

but the other thinks of you every day

most of the day, there's no release

been wishing for another

to relieve this held up pain

cause I can't do it alone

I can't do it alone

cause love and hate can't coexist

and I'll never love you like I did

but hate can't be in my soul

so I need to be okay with this

and learn how to

forget

you

a few lines

in physical pain, i just want to sleep it off
since she left me, i've been avoiding God
still dealing every day with what's left of my heart
i remain in the faith,
but i can't find love.

trying everything one hand at a time
found a person i don't like on the inside
of myself, i can't shake
becoming something that i hate.

you have to run much harder if you want a chance
you have to fight much better in your dance with death

a poem

"you were, you are"

you were my dream
you were almost everything
now you're just some girl i used to be into.
you were the source
for many lovely words
now you're just a dying thing; make way for the living.
you were my hopes
you were just so
oh now i can't try to describe, i don't want to.
you were all there was
you were all there was to be
now you're the past i can't evade or outrun.
give back what i gave you
give back all my love
someone will need it one day.
give back what you stole
give back all you know
someone will one day need to understand.
you were a learning experience
you were also a waste of my time
God help the one who ends up with you, they will need it.
you were what you were
now you are what you are
i was what i was
now i'm turning into someone i don't know.